You Might Think there’s Something Wrong with You (but there isn’t)
Sitting in the hot tub tonight, something hit me. A massive, healing wave of relief came over me, after days of ruminating about how much I hate people.
I hate people. I hate my life.
It’s been a source of shame for me. Social anxiety. Avoiding people – just wanting to be left alone, period. And then I stay up all night like the worst insomniac – loathing my existence.
And then I judge myself. Am I the worst person in the world? Are people safe around me? I can’t really allow myself to get close to people, can I? Round and round.
Here’s a guy admitting on video that he hates people:
The secret I discovered while sitting in that hot tub…
While caught up in thoughts of hating people, suddenly I heard an inner voice that said, “And that’s ok.” That’s it. I’ve known this intellectually for so many years but this time it was different. I forgave myself for hating people. I realized I’ve never (or rarely) acted on it. I’m a good person. I contain myself.
In fact, I’ve spent a lifetime eating my own pain and trying not to inflict it upon others – failing often. But my intentions as a person are good. I am officially forgiven.
More importantly, the inner demon that hates everyone is now freed. I appreciate that part of me. It’s tried to protect me from people who might harm me – and it sees everyone as harmful. This is a hard-working part of my psyche!
I believe I can finally let it all go! By that, I mean simply allow this part of me to do whatever it wants. Stop judging myself. So there’s this part of me. What am I going to do? Banish it?
It’s a strange paradox, allowing myself to feel however I feel. And realizing it doesn’t mean I am a bad person. It means I am free.
If I can forgive myself, so can you. If there’s nothing wrong with me, there is nothing wrong with you.