You Might Think there’s Something Wrong with You (but there isn’t)

You Might Think there’s Something Wrong with You (but there isn’t)

what's wrong with me?
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Sitting in the hot tub tonight, something hit me. A massive, healing wave of relief came over me, after days of ruminating about how much I hate people.

I hate people. I hate my life.

It’s been a source of shame for me. Social anxiety. Avoiding people – just wanting to be left alone, period. And then I stay up all night like the worst insomniac – loathing my existence.

And then I judge myself. Am I the worst person in the world? Are people safe around me? I can’t really allow myself to get close to people, can I? Round and round.

Here’s a guy admitting on video that he hates people:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFDZPC2hGYI

The secret I discovered while sitting in that hot tub…

While caught up in thoughts of hating people, suddenly I heard an inner voice that said, “And that’s ok.” That’s it. I’ve known this intellectually for so many years but this time it was different. I forgave myself for hating people. I realized I’ve never (or rarely) acted on it. I’m a good person. I contain myself.

In fact, I’ve spent a lifetime eating my own pain and trying not to inflict it upon others – failing often. But my intentions as a person are good. I am officially forgiven.

More importantly, the inner demon that hates everyone is now freed. I appreciate that part of me. It’s tried to protect me from people who might harm me – and it sees everyone as harmful. This is a hard-working part of my psyche!

Letting go…

I believe I can finally let it all go! By that, I mean simply allow this part of me to do whatever it wants. Stop judging myself. So there’s this part of me. What am I going to do? Banish it?

Impossible.

It’s a strange paradox, allowing myself to feel however I feel. And realizing it doesn’t mean I am a bad person. It means I am free.

If I can forgive myself, so can you. If there’s nothing wrong with me, there is nothing wrong with you.


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